I think it is time that we sat down to chat. Looked at each other in the eye and once and for all sorted out our issues. The way I see it is that we have a very long life a head of us and I would prefer that you were on my team rather than against me.
Firstly, let me just say that the conversation that is about to take place may be hurtful but at the end of the day I want to resolve our issues and move forward as friends.
I have had so much pent up anger towards you. You have repeatedly let me down. But I understand that there are two sides to every story.
There’s a lot we need to discuss so I am going to get started and move through our issues quickly and to the point.
I was so incredibly mad at you for my knee dislocating the night before swimming Nationals when I was twelve. You changed the whole course of my life. You gained weight, you weren’t as efficient in the water and my dream of pursuing swimming died a slow death.
I acknowledge and take full credibility for torturing you in my pursuit for body perfection that followed. Trust me, the years suffering from Anorexia weren’t fun for anyone. I know that while functioning at 32kg I placed an enormous amount of undue stress on my heart, my reproductive organs and bones. I know that it effected my ability to remember things and I am reminded of that daily.
I know I ran you ragged at the gym and on the pavement with little to no nutrition. I know I got out a magnifying glass to expose every one of your flaws and held you responsible for them.
I know that you performed on days with no fuel. People questioned how we could keep going – that was all you.
So while I don’t appreciate your response to gaining 50kgs when I decided to get better, I somewhat understand it. I understand that you were petrified that we were going to go days, weeks and months on nothing more than some apples, bake potatoes or some dry cereal.
I understand that you were scared of going back to being continually cold and not being able to get your hands and feet to function.
I understand the pain that was felt when you sat down on a chair or tried to sleep due to the exposed bones.
I understand that you missed the closeness of a hug as people were too scared that they would break us.
I understand that you were trying to keep us alive.
I don’t understand why at a time in our life when I literally hated our reflection, hated being us and hated everything we touched you allowed us to get injured as badly as we did on that touch football field. The complete and utter humiliation that followed. The hours I spent crying and wanting to disappear and become invisible. The pain that I woke up with that filled every cell in our body till we fell asleep. I loved being asleep, I didn’t have to think about what a massive disappointment and disgrace we had become. Who was going to love us now?
We have put each other through hell and back. I know we have. The multiple dislocations, the compartment syndrome in my calves, operation after operation to remove screws and plates. I have the battle wounds to show it. The scars, the stretch marks, the saggy skin, the creaky joints, aches and pains.
But what I do know is this – we have accomplished (and still do) some friggin’ amazing things together.
We have made State and National Swimming Championships.
We performed at Gymnastics competitions, Surf Living Saving carnivals, Hockey tornaments, Softball games and Dance recitals.
We survived Anorexia Nervosa.
We have travelled the world being able to walk for kilometres on end and climbed every bell tower we saw around Europe.
We made the Australian Dragon Boat team after only being in the sport for a few short months.
We got to represent our Country.
We carried two gorgeous babies and were able to give birth drug free.
We were able to feed them for the first 6 months of their lives.
We have run three half marathons.
We have completed a sprint triathlon.
We have started CrossFit and lift really heavy things. We complete prescribed workouts with burning lungs in the pursuit to get it done fast.
We chase the kids around the park, kick balls, climb, paint and draw.
We lead by example and show them every day how important it is to be active.
We protect them from our past and show them how to love their bodies.
We have achieved a lot together.
We wear our wounds like a badge of honour on most days. I am very much aware that it is not every day and I still beat you up every now and then.
I know that is not your fault.
You have done an exceptional job in keeping us alive when it would have been so easy to just, let my heart stop beating.
I am grateful.
I am sorry.
I am sorry that I blamed you for all the crappy things. I am sorry that I neglected to acknowledge all the good you have done for me and obsessed over how I felt you abandoned me.
I forgive you and I am truly, deeply sorry for the part I have played.
I ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you hold me accountable in us moving forward as a kick ass team.
I love you. You have given me some of the most incredible moments in my life and I feel blessed that you were there with me.
Love and Kisses